At what point does benign experimental drug use turn into its malignant form known as addiction? When does the laughing with you turn to the crying because of you? Do you even know when you crossed over into a world where there was no turning back until you set it aflame. I think we all know when we started getting all too comfortable with our predictable drug habit but do we really know when we cut the cord to the sober world…and stepped on through our very own Looking Glass and found ourselves residing in a world of reckless substance abuse. I know I did not. But the scary thing is, I wouldn’t of cared.
My drug abuse spiraled out of control so fast that the first time I looked back, the world I knew of was completely out of view. The door of entry to this new world of daily chemical consumption was gone. What Looking Glass? Where did everything go? How did I get here? This new world came at me at such a rapid pace that it caused all that I came to know of the 24 years prior to disappear. Responsibility, integrity, respect, honesty, and love were all gone. Replaced with disillusionment, distortion, confusion, lying and total lack of concern…for anyone or anything. If there is anything you need to know as to how an addicts mind works, it can be found in my next statement…I loved my new world.
What I did not know was I was about to find out how much I really loved causing destruction and heartache. I guess these too also came at me looking completely different than the forms of them I came to recognize in my past world of sobriety. In a world of addiction, everything looks and tastes different…even the wrongs you can easily construct. You just don’t see them the way others do. And how can you. It is impossible for an irrational thinking mind to see or have the same values that a responsible thinking mind can have. I am telling you a world obscured with substance abuse moves in so fast, with so much false promise, you don’t even see the change these chemicals place you in. You have to remember, the Devil rarely approaches you with horns on his head and big spiked tail. He gets in close to you because of his disguise. He is cunning. And this is why the new world you find yourself in is allowed to be constructed around you. Not only does the Devil camouflage himself, so is the world he has to offer you.
So why is it so hard for us to get back to where we came from? Why is it that when we try to leave our world of drug abuse our perception of the doors to sobriety appear locked to us? If you think about it, that answer really isn’t that hard to find…and probably pretty consistent for anyone in the habit of substance abuse. Simply said, we enjoy it. The world we left behind cannot offer us what our new (and false) world of addiction brings us. The escape from pain, the loss of responsibility, and the make believe idea that we can cater our life like some sort of a la carte menu are what we pin our interests on. And this will go on for some time because most addicts do not derail right away. Addicts are well seasoned with skills of survival. So, as our addictions gain time and ground, any sense of what we are actually supposed to be behaving like vanishes. Now throw in the fact that we now have established a relationship with a substance that gives us something not found in our sober world, and all bets are off in regard to us turning around. It is only (for the fortunate ones) a complete bottom that we must hit hard that makes us tunnel our way out of this world of insanity.
The reality of an addict making it to the other side is not hard to figure out. We didn’t fall down any Rabbit Hole. No Looking Glass to step through. My dissension into my world of drug addiction occurred because I allowed it to. All of that was preceded by a total loss of all respect for all of that around me. I did not acquire any disease. What I acquired was a disorder, that I allowed to progress. Progress to a point that I got so far down the road of intoxication that any assemblance of sobriety made no sense to me. A life where sobriety was an option. And I, nobody else, elected to not exercise that option. In other words, I was insane. When an addict faces their insanity, that is where the seeds of sobriety are found. The addict literally has to look for these seeds even though our vision is not the greatest while we are using. It is our insanity that covers them up. But the truth of the matter is that our sobriety is always there. We just elect not to enter into it. The funny thing is, for most of us, we have chance after chance to exercise our sobriety. All too often we have to completely allow all our wheels to fall of before we decide to change. But I guess that is better than death, which unfortunately is the end result of far too many.