By P.R

Junior at University that will Remain Name-less 

Let me start off by saying I am not a Drug Addict, yet I realize all humans struggle with an addiction of some kind. I don’t crave a drink in the morning. I am not on a never ending search for the next time to re up on drugs, I do use some things recreationally, I don’t feel as if they are dangerous.

Im just a kid in college, trying to stand out and fit in somehow at the same time.

like everyone else.

But if I had to use the the word addict to use about something in my life, it would be that I am addicted to people. I love hearing people’s stories, their decisions, why certain people… made certain choices… in certain situations.  I am not the best student, but I learn what I might miss in the classroom from people.  I like figuring out how they tick…because if I can find out how they tick, then I can find out what makes them happy, and I love making others happy.  Which is the basis of where my story with drugs and alcohol begins. 

I was a good kid in high school, of course I drank, who didn’t. I Smoked weed from time to time, probably more than the average high schooler, but I was on top of most of everything. I had gotten into a 4 year University and I was ready to get the hell out of my home town.  

My senior year I had been going out a lot less since my girlfriend at the time was constantly on my ass where I was going, who I was with, and what activities I would be partaking in.  I had been tied down for a year… and although she was set in stone that we could make the long distance thing work…we both knew I wasn’t.  I was ready to diversify my portfolio when it came to women and I was counting down the days until college.  With the mindset that I wouldn’t have to worry about coming home stoned and having my parents see me ( a big reason that kept me from getting high more then 1-2 times a week) I was prepared to be 4/20 friendly. And going to school with a Greek life and party reputation bigger than any other in the country…well 1,2,3 checked right off my list of things I was looking for in a school.

You could see what was going to happen from a mile away.

The moment I got to school, I was in love. Not so much with the school itself…

But I was Free

I could do whatever I wanted, come home whenever I pleased, and party as hard as I desired. And boy did I.

I joined a upper tier fraternity with a killer house on Greek Row.  That first week of school called “syllabus week” was a blur, honestly I couldn’t tell you one distint moment besides getting almost kicked out for hooking up with a brother in the fraternity’s girlfriend on the second night.  Partying with guys and girls you know nothing about…its awkward, uncomfortable, but hey take a few more shots -or a lot more- and everyone is friends! 

I spent the following 2 days after that week in bed throwing up all over myself  with alcohol poisoning.

As more weeks past, I found my niche in the fraternity with guys that shared similar interest as I did.  Sports, girls, partying. I introduced them to new ideas, activities, lifestyles, and they did the same. It was great. I could feel myself growing as a person, and thats a super cool feeling. 

Isn’t that what college is all about?

But the positive experience I was taking out of those relationships,  came some negative consequences. 

I am the guy that doesn’t turn down a shot, who will take another rip of the bong, I hate leaving people hanging, outside of partying I am the same way, but regardless for the first semester of college I struggled with saying no.

My first semester I was introduced to a few foreign drugs I never thought a good kid who grew up in a great family would try.  Cocaine was the first. The white dust. I remember my pledge brother pulling me aside from one of our parties early in the year. I followed him into his room where I found not only two beautiful half naked girls on his couch, but a bag with enough cocaine to make Scarface jealous . So the four of us hit the slopes, and that was that. I didn’t question him when he dribbled out a small portion, set it on his laptop, took out his student ID and cut up four 2 inch long lines of the yahoo. I didn’t think twice when he directed his attention to me, inferring it was my turn.  I just took the rolled $100 bill sprinkled from the blonde to my right and snorted it like I had done it that morning. It was that normal. It was almost if it were routine for most of the people there.

To be honest I didn’t and I haven’t felt much when I’ve used Cocaine. I stay up longer, yes, which meant I could drink a lot more, but Cocaine never was a daily thing. Soon after trying it for a week or two, I abandoned the whole concept of using cocaine all together, its just not for me.

I probably would have done it a lot more had I felt the affects, there was always someone who had it, easy to get, easy to use…and saying you did a line off a girls tits was something I was able to check off my bucket list, which still seems pretty fucking epic! 

My best friend I met in college (let’s call him Alex) was probably the nicest guy you will ever meet.  He had his own apartment off campus, and always offered to have people over to pregame before a big party, smoke weed and relax, or just let people crash on his couch if they were too fucked up to move…(I found myself on that couch a few times).  Alex would let people sleep in his bed and he would sleep on the couch. In the morning he would reassure the gesture was fine and would turn the focus to how much fun the previous night’s obscenities were.  He was just that nice of a guy. He just wanted to make others happy.

Xanax and Adderall are two of the more common prescription drugs used recreationally at universities. Adderall picks you up, and Xanax calms you down. While Adderall is used to wake your mind up, go into a work mode, and finish a semesters worth of work in a week, Xanax lowers your inhibitions, relaxes your muscles and sends you straight to fantasy land. 

I nor Alex had ever tried Xanax, even though a lot of the fraternity brothers did it quite often…take a bar (Xanax), smoke some weed, and just go into a state of relaxation.  I had seen it, but I never dared to try…until Alex offered. I would have never done it if it wasn’t for him….and not to say it was his fault, he was just my role model. He was like me, and I was like him, and I just wanted to make him happy.

I didn’t want to let him down.

So there we were, in his apartment before a party, with a shot of Jack Daniels and half a bar each. One, Two, Three…Down the hatchet and the rest was history.  

Long story short, I woke up the following morning next to some girl I had never seen, in a room I had never been in, with part of a memory that will always remain lost. I gathered my belongings, missing a shirt and my shoes, with the famous walk of shame awaiting me, I left.

I laughed to myself as I stumbled to my dorm, still fucked up from the night before.

A little more background about Xanax, if you take a half, even a quarter of the little rectangle shaped pill before you drink, it only takes a small amount of alcohol to become belligerent and eventually black out. As any broke, college-partier knows, you’d rather drop the $5 for a xanax high that the $20-30 on alcohol it would take to get fucked up; at least that was my thinking at the time.

That following month I took Xanax about once a week and used this as my protocol: 

1.Take a Bar, Head to the party.

2. Find myself the prettiest girl I had the balls to talk too. take shots, and let my black out self do the rest.

3. Wake up next morning around noon, find my clothes, give the random girl a kiss goodbye 

4. Creep out, rarely to be seen again.  

Still delusional of what was going on.  These girls didn’t care about me, and I Surely  didn’t give a shit about them…it was a mutual relationship, this was college, where STDs are made (I got checked, don’t worry, I am clean). Word of advice though, always where protection, you never know…you just never know.

Horrible.

So that month went by and I was asked one day If I wanted to try magic mushrooms.

 I thought,  

“Well I have already tried drugs I never said I would…so why the hell not.”

and I did

and my life changed.

Somewhere in between tripping my balls off, and somehow my mind thinking more clearly and efficiently then it ever had, I was able to catch a glimpse of  my reflection in a near by stream of the forest we decided to go to for this adventure. I didn’t recognize myself.

I had changed

and not for the better.

That moment stands so clearly in my mind, its one of the worst feelings, not knowing who you are anymore. Lost, broken… goals, dreams, ambitions faded away as I became more high day by day. Not recognizing the face staring back at you in the mirror.

My heart hurt, I wasn’t proud of who I was becoming. I was letting myself down, I couldn’t imagine how my parents would react if they knew what I was doing in college with there hard earned money. They would be devastated. Although i was passing classes, my focus was on so many other things.

I looked at myself, and I said I need to change.

Right then and there I quit all “hard drugs”.

Its ironic, I have taken mushrooms twice again since then, it allows me to think more clearly then ever, I still smoke weed, which clouds my thoughts. I still drink a solid amount. I am just a college kid after all.

I was able to get control of my problems before they got control of me.  Its not the same case for a lot of the people and some of my friends.  I watched Xanax change Alex, my former best friend. I tried my best to make him stop, but I can only control what I can control. It has melted away the person I knew, and loved…and it has ruined my relationship with him.

 I watch my friends who are just like I was, blacking out every time they go out, developing drinking habits that they are convinced in their minds they will just drop when college is over, and I am praying that will be the case. I am trying to understand why I had this realization now. Why am I not using the same justification, that its totally normal because we are in college…

In college there are so many ways and reasons pushing students to try, use, or abuse drugs and alcohol.

There is stress,  as students are facing the high demands of coursework, part-time jobs, internships, social obligations and more, many turn to drugs as a way to cope.

There is obviously the course load, more students than ever are taking stimulants, such as Adderall, to help them stay awake long enough to study or complete assignments by their due dates. All too often, these prescription drugs are obtained without a legitimate prescription.

Of course, curiosity…college students are exploring many new aspects of their lives in personal and professional realms. It’s not uncommon for that self-exploration to dip into drug experimentation.

But more often then not, Peer pressure. College students who are surrounded by other people experimenting with recreational and performance-enhancing drugs are more likely to try these substances for themselves.

My dad once told me something, he said:

“You are who you hang out with”

Realest thing I have ever heard…because its true. 

I don’t know where that limit is for some people.  Who determines when you have a problem with drugs or alcohol. Is it like my situation, where you see a problem on the horizon and you quit, or it is a point when someone says ” Hey you need to stop,” with whatever drug. College is confusing, its not easy. But its not supposed to be I guess.

I sat with my friend a couple days ago who has experimented with how own fare share of drugs.  I said to him, ” Isn’t it funny, when we were freshman in high school, we said we would never drink until we were 21…then when we drank sophomore year we said we would never smoke weed…then when we smoked weed senior year, we said we would never do cocaine, then when we did cocaine…”  

Well you see where this is going…

Its funny how things change like that. Mindsets of what we think is right and wrong, what we will do in certain situations, who we will be with at times in our life.  And we continually get so down on ourselves when stuff doesn’t work out the way we thought and hoped it would.  We all think we have an idea in which direction our life is going, yet we don’t even have control over 99% of our life. Everything, everyone….changes. 

Its completely off topic but I am at the age where I think about marriage once in a blue moon, and how am I supposed to tell someone I will love them forever and be loyal to them forever, when things, people, places, ideas, will all indefinably 

Change!

Its scares the shit out of me.

Let me finish off by saying I am not an Drug Addict.  Everyone is addicted to something, drugs just aren’t it for me. 

I’m Just trying to stand out and fit in somehow at the same time.

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.