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[ Personal Narratives ]

Working On My Sobriety

I’m writing this story anonymously to help myself let go, but to also hopefully help another addict, alcoholic. So… Here we go.

Growing up was pretty hard for me in a way. My family was the picture perfect family, on the outside. My mom and dad have been together my whole life,even to this day. I’m the Youngest in my family. I have one sister who is two years older than me. And two half brothers who is ten years older than me, and twelve years older than me. My dad was a binge drinker. He didn’t drink every day, but when he did all hell broke loose. He was always on business trips growing up, so he wasn’t around to much. My mom owned a daycare service, she was always around but I truly feel that she paid attention the the kids she babysat more than her own kids. My brother raised me growing up. We lived in a small town called cranberry. Everyone knew everybody. My brother is an addict. I remember when he would bring me on drug deals, and do drugs in front of me.. obviously I never knew what he was doing until I got older. When I was 8 we moved from cranberry, into Trenton. It was terrible. I always felt out of place in school,and my family then I had to move and start all over. I was not happy about it.

Middle school was rough. I was very flat chested, and began to stuff my bra. My one “bestfriend” found out and tf the whole school. I couldn’t walk down the hallways, or sit in class without having tissues, paper or anything thrown at me. All I was trying to do was fit in. My school was very preppy. Everyone had designer handbags, and clothes. And I had clothes from Walmart. It was pretty brutal. 

When I went on to highschool I was so happy, it was like a fresh start. New school, new friends, new life. And that was SO true. Freshman year I met this amazing guy. We dated. I was a normal, innocent, virgin. The first two months were amazing it was like a fairytale, or a romance movie. He smoked weed alot. So I began anti smoke, and drink everyday. Not thinking it was a problem. One day I found out he was doing heroin. I asked him about it, and he turned into a evil asshole. He began to become abusive, everyday. He began to rape me,everyday. This went on for four more months. I felt vulnerable,and defeated. My innocence was gone. He would strap me down on his bed, hold guns to my head, cut me with knives, inject heroin in my body, all in all just took complete advantage of me. It was a horrifying expierence, for your first relationship.Heroin and crack are the drugs I always told myself I would never do, after growing up around it & now having that experience. One day I threatened to call the cops, he grabbed me by the throat and said “I’ll kill you, and your whole family” I was young. I didn’t wanna take any chances. But one day he looked at me and said.. I’m done with you. And I never spoke to him since. I felt like a piece of gum or candy, because when he was done with me he just threw me out like nothing ever happened. I kept that secret for years. 

I began to do any kind of pill I could get my hands on. I was selling drugs in school. One day I got caught. Cops came with dogs, and the DEA came. I got expelled, caught charges and sent to a rehabilitation program for minors but of course that didn’t stop me from doing drugs, and drinking when I got out.  I ended up going to a alternative school. I loved it though. I fit in there, there were other kids that did drugs there too. I felt at home. 

I failed my senior year because I never went to school, I was to busy getting high all the time to care. At this point my parents were oblivious to anything. I would steal,lie,cheat,and manipulate to get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it & if I didn’t get it right that minute all hell broke loss for whoever was around. 

After falling highschool, I got kicked out. I lived with my bestfriend. But now her family was my victim. I stole everything in that house I knew was worth money, & sold it like nothing ever happened.  I tried to go back to school the year after that but then I got kicked out of my bestfriend house. I was living in my car for 3 months. I decided to go to treatment because, why not? So.. I went to Florida. Spent 30 days inpatient, and went back home with my parents.. I was cured. Until 3 days after I got home, I relapsed and began to snort cocaine. So I went back to the same treatment center a month after I just got out. That time I went to a halfway house in new Jersey. An hour away from my house. I got kicked out of the halfway house after a month and went home. It took me a few weeks before I relapsed again. So, I went on a huge run & gave up. I began to snort heroin, and smock crack. Honestly, I found my true love to be honest. Nothing mattered in the world. I began to prostitute myself just to be able to get my drugs. At this time in my life I was only 18. So, one day I just Wakeup and was so tired and living that way. I tried to take my life, I overdosed & slit my wrists. It landed me in the hospital. I agreed to go to treatment. So I went back to Florida, to the same place. I became willing. I stayed in Florida for a few months in a halfway. Got kicked out, and then am now living in a recovery house in Pennsylvania.

 I am happier than ever. I am 18 years old now, with 110 days sober. I’m working on my step four. I know it’s not much but it’s an amazing beautiful start to a brand new life.